Love, South Park Style
by Bayleef Stardust
Summary: It's Valentine's Day, and Chef tells Stan that he is too young to make sweet love to Wendy. So what does he do now? A Pokemon tag battle against Cartman and Bebe!


Today, on 14 February, just like on other school days, Cartman, Kenny, Kyle and Stan got out of the bus and arrived at South Park elementary, ready to enter the school building.

"Are you going to do anything special for Valentine's Day this year, Kyle?" Stan asked.

"Not really, I don't have a girlfriend. I wish I was still in touch with Rebecca..." Kyle answered. "How about you, Stan?"

"I wanna make sweet love by the fire with Wendy, like Chef always talked about!" Stan said, much to Kenny's pleasure.

"What's so funny about that?" the boy with the red poofball hat asked.

"Stan, you don't even know how to make love," Cartman teased.

"Yeah, and I bet Cartman doesn't know either!" Kyle snapped.

"Yes I do!" Cartman shouted, followed by "I'm not telling!" when Kyle asked him to explain how to do it.

"Kenny, do you know how to do that?" Stan asked. After hearing a naughty story from the kid with the orange parka, the boys entered the school laughing.

And so, fifteen minutes later, all students sat in the classroom, where their teacher was ready to start class. "Today is Valentine's Day, so we're going to do something special for this occasion. You're all gonna pair up in couples. This week, you'll have to do something romantic together, like a date. Then, you write a paper about it and hand it in to me at the end of this week," Mr. Garrison explained.

"Mr. Garrison, what does this have to do with English literature class?" Butters asked.

"Because I want to write another romance novel and you're all gonna help me to get ideas," the teacher explained.

"Kyle isn't going to find a girl, because he's Jewish!" Cartman teased.

"What does me being a Jew have to do with this stupid assignment, you ****ing fatass?" Kyle asked.

"I've seen Mel Gibson's movie 'The Passion', and any girl who saw it must hate the Jews!" the overweight boy explained, while Stan and Wendy agreed to team up. Stan promised Wendy a "romantic idea", but didn't tell her what he was talking about, hoping to have a nice surprise for her after school.

"I'd like to see someone as fat and close-minded as you get a girl to date you!" Kyle snapped.

Then, he saw his arch enemy walking up to a blonde-haired girl wearing a red jacket. "Bebe, how would you like to team up and come over to my house to play 'Lambs' again?" Eric asked in a whiny, high-pitched voice. Much to Kyle's dismay, Bebe agreed.

"Cartman, Bebe is just doing this because she needs a boy for this stupid project, to not get a bad grade!" Kyle snapped.

"Girls know I'm not fat, but big-boned. And I'm muscular. Beefcake! Beefcake!" the overweight kid shouted loudly.

"Bebe, why did you agree on pairing up with Cartman?" Wendy asked her best friend.

"I don't know... I know he's a bigot, but I like playing 'Lambs' with him. And my cat recently died, my parents won't buy me a new one, and this gives me a chance to play with Mr. Kitty, his cat."

And so, almost all children got paired up. However, because he was too busy arguing with his enemy, Kyle was left over alone, while only one girl was left without a boy: Sally Darson, a former member of Butters's 'kissing company', something Kyle had extreme ethical problems with.

A few hours later, the four boys were ready to get his lunch. Much to their surprise, he saw an overweight, black man with a beard standing there. "Chef, I thought you were dead!" Kyle said.

"Well, the pedophiles reanimated me as Darth Chef, but that didn't work. Then, when Satan and God met in Heaven, they saw me there. Then, God decided it wasn't the time for me yet, said my death was an accident and he sent me back to Earth," Chef explained.

"That's awesome!" Cartman said. "Do you serve Salisbury Steak for lunch today?"

"You bet," Chef confirmed. "Now let's start over again and pretend I never died."

Then, the boys left the room and quickly entered again. When they passed their friend, they heard "Hello there, children!"

"Hi Chef!" they said simultaneously.

"How's it going?" the cook asked.

"Bad," Stan said, while the others walked away with their lunch.

"Why bad?" Chef asked, just as usual.

"Chef, do you know how to make sweet love by the fire?" Stan asked.

"Why do you wanna know that? You children are always asking me questions I shouldn't be answering!" Chef snapped.

"Because you always talk about making sweet love by the fire, and I wanna do that with Wendy!" Stan said. "Wouldn't that be romantic?"

"What? You children are way too young for that! The right age for sex is seventeen," Chef said. "Now go away, you're holding up the line, children!" he added, while the grounded Butters was anxiously waiting for his lunch. Then, he decided to continue the conversation anyways. "I'll sing you a little song. Then, you'll understand what making love means, and you'll see why you're not ready for it yet." And so, he sung one of his old songs. "I'm gonna make love to you, woman, gonna lay you down by the fire! And caress your womanly body, make ya moan and perspire. Gonna get those juices flowin', we makin' love baby, love baby,  
love baby, love, love, love, baby!"

"Um... Okay... But then what am I supposed to do now? I promised Wendy a romantic surprise, and I need something!" Stan screamed, worrying about what would happen if he would disappoint his girlfriend.

"Just kiss her, that's more than enough at your age. Have you ever kissed her?" Chef asked.

"Yeah, but I often throw up out of nervousness," Stan said.

Then, the "Hey, I know!" Chef said. "Why don't you team up with her for a Pokemon match, a tag battle against another couple? You two can work together and get some romance out of that."

"That's an awesome idea! Thanks, Chef!" Stan complimented. "I need two opponents," he thought. "I'll let Wendy choose those."

And so, some hours later, at the Marsh residence, Stan and Wendy entered the house. "Hi Stan, how was school today?" Sharon asked.

"Fine, mom. Mr. Garrison came up with some stupid project, but I think it's gonna be fun," Stan answered.

"And how is my future daughter-in-law doing?" Randy asked. He just got home from work, and was watching the Terrance and Philip show.

"Fine, Stan said he has a surprise for me in his room," Wendy replied.

"Leave the door open!" Sharon shouted, while the couple walked up to the room. Meanwhile, Randy was still watching the fart jokes. "Hehe, he farted!" he laughed, while pointing at one of the two Canadian comedians on TV, who was wearing a red shirt with the letter 'T' on it.

And so, Stan had to reveal his idea. "And, what's the surprise?" his girlfriend asked.

"How about us two forming a tag team and having a Pokemon battle against another couple?" the boy with the red poofball hat proposed.

"That sounds awesome!" Wendy replied. "Who are the opponents?"

"I don't know yet, I thought we should decide that together," Stan answered.

"How about Cartman and Bebe? I'd love to see the look on Cartman's face when we humiliate him on the playground in front of all the other kids just before school starts tomorrow!"

"Hey yeah, sweet!" Stan thought. "What Pokemon will you use?" he asked.

"My Furret, he's so cute and strong!" Wendy answered. "How about you, Stan?"

"My Pidgeotto, he can attack Cartman's Pokemon from the air," Stan responded.

"Cool!" Wendy said. "Also, Stan, would you like to make out?"

"Sure, Wendy!" Stan answered. However, when she moved her lips towards his, he puked right in her face like usual.

"Gross, Stan!" she snapped. "I'm gonna take a quick shower now, I'll be back in a few minutes."

And so, some time later, the two were sitting in the room again. "Stan, do you think we can ever kiss without you throwing up?" Wendy asked. While her eyes stared at the ground, her mouth expressed obvious worries.

"I'm sure I'll grow out of it someday," Stan said.

"How are you so sure?" she asked.

"I don't know," he replied. "I guess we just have to keep trying until we get it right."

"Oh, alright then," she moaned, hoping her boyfriend would improve his kissing soon.

Meanwhile, at the Cartman residence, Liane Cartman was humping a complete stranger again to get money to buy groceries. Meanwhile, in the basement, her son Eric was sitting in front of a small hole, with Bebe next to him. "It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again!" she shouted.

"I'm really having a nice time with you, you're really good at this!" Cartman complimented. "And you're cool," he quickly added, while staring at her chest.

"I'm having a really nice time with you too, Cartman!" Bebe said.

"I have hallway monitor duty next week again, do you wanna play Beth and assist me?" Eric offered.

"Sure," Bebe agreed.

"Yeah, you're way cooler than those other girls at school," the bigot said.

After that conversation, Mr. Kitty entered the basement, trying to get some food from his owner.

"No Kitty, those are my Cheesy Poofs!" Eric snapped. After seeing his cat try again, he screamed "No, Kitty, that's a bad kitty!"

"Why are you so harsh towards your cat?" Bebe asked.

"Because those are MY Cheesy Poofs, and because he's a bad kitty!" Eric explained.

"Oh... I understand, but isn't that like animal abuse?" she asked.

"No, of course not!" he said. "And those Cheesy Poofs are MINE, and I'm NOT gonna share them with anybody!"

Then, they heard the phone ring. "Hello, this is Mel Gibson's 'The Passion' fanclub, what can I do for you?" Eric asked, expecting the phonecall to be about the fanclub of his favourite movie, which he was the president of.

"No, Cartman, it's me, Stan," the caller said. "And I don't wanna talk about 'The Passion', I challenge you to a Pokemon match tomorrow morning before school. You and Bebe against me and Wendy!"

"You're on, you little wuss!" Cartman snapped. "You're going down!"

"You're going down!" Stan shouted, while ending the phonecall.

"So I guess he agreed to battle?" Wendy asked.

"Yeah, he's no match for us two," Stan said.

And so, the next day, in the school bus, many children were talking about the upcoming fight. "Stan and Wendy or Eric and Bebe, what do you think?" Butters asked Kyle.

"Stan and Wendy of course, Cartman is going down!" Kyle said.

"But Eric is smart, he's a great tactician!" Butters countered.

"That fatass never gets higher than a D in school!" Kyle snapped.

"I guess you're right," Butters moaned. Then, he walked up to Kenny, who was reading 'Crack Wh*re Magazine' as usual, with Liane Cartman on the cover again. "Kenny, what's your prediction?" The poor, perverted kid mumbled something, explaining how he thought Eric and Bebe would win.

And so, at school, the children stood in a circle around the playground, which Stan, Wendy, Eric and Bebe used as their battlefield. Butters, who took the role of the referee, told the trainers to choose their Pokemon. "Snorlax, I choose you!" Eric shouted, while hurling a Poke Ball, causing a huge, overweight Pokemon to emerge from the round object.

"That Pokemon is just as fat as you!" Wendy shouted at her best friend's teammate.

"Screw you, hippie!" Eric snapped. Then, Bebe sent out her Fearow.

"Pidgeotto, I choose you!" Stan said, while making his Flying-type emerge from the Poke Ball he held in his hand. Then, his girlfriend sent out her Furret.

"Trainers, ready? Begin!" Butters shouted.

"Fearow, start with your Drill Peck on Pidgeotto!" Bebe commanded. Her bird flew upwards and then aimed at the other bird, who was able to fly away just in time.

"Snorlax, Body Slam!" Cartman shouted, trying to make his Pokemon squash Pidgeotto. However, unfortunately, Pidgeotto flew away just in time, while Fearow was still there, causing the overweight Pokemon to hit his teammate.

"Fearow is defeated!" Butters announced.

"Good job, fatass!" Bebe snapped, while Kyle was rolling on the ground out of laughter.

"That wasn't my fault, how the hell was I supposed to know this would happen?" Cartman asked.

"You knew Fearow was still there!" Bebe screamed.

"Screw you guys, I'm going home!" the overweight kid snapped, while walking away from the playground.

"This is gonna be easy now," Stan said, just before commanding his Pokemon to attack the opponent with a Wing Attack. And so, Snorlax got struck by the bird's wings.

"Furret, Brick Break!" Wendy shouted, causing the Normal-type to run at Snorlax and strike him with his right front paw, exploiting the Normal-type's weakness against Fighting attacks. And so, the opponent was almost defeated after getting struck by these blows.

"Pidgeotto, Whirlwind!" Stan commanded. And so, a gust of wind was hurled at the Normal-type. However, he went down on the ground to avoid getting hit, causing Kenny McCormick, who was just standing behind the attack, to get smashed against the wall, causing his heart to stop beating and causing his blood to start flowing.

"Oh my god, they killed Kenny!" Stan shouted.

"You bastards!" Kyle added to that, referring to the Flying-type.

Then, Stan decided to focus on the battle again. "Pidgeotto, finish it with your Steel Wing!" the boy with the red poofball hat said. However, then, Snorlax quickly shot down the bird with Hyper Beam.

"Pidgeotto is defeated!" the referee decided. And so, it was Wendy versus Cartman, Furret versus Snorlax.

"Come on, Wendy, you can do this!" Stan encouraged his girlfriend. Meanwhile, Kenny cheered for Eric.

"Furret, Dig!" Wendy shouted. Her Pokemon dug his way under the ground, meaning Snorlax wasn't able to see his opponent anymore. The Normal-type sat under the spot just below the place Snorlax was standing. "Now go!" his trainer shouted, causing the Pokemon to enter the surface, hitting Snorlax with his head during the process, slightly damaging the overweight Normal-type, who started to get more and more tired, and more and more eager to sleep.

"Snorlax, finish it with your Ice Punch!" Cartman commanded. The heavy Pokemon slowly ran at the quick ferret, attempting to freeze the Normal-type who was sitting on top of the playground's slide. However, Furret quickly used the slide to go down and avoid getting hit. "Furret!" he squealed, trying to intimidate the opponent.

"Now, finish it with your Strength," Wendy said. The Pokemon ran at its opponent and smashed him with his right paw, causing the exhausted Pokemon to collapse.

"Snorlax is unable to battle, Furret is the winner! Victory goes to Stan and Wendy!" Butters said.

"Up yours, fatboy!" Kyle snapped at the loser, who was laughed at by a few children.

"Awesome!" Wendy cheered, while hugging her Furret.

Then, after returning her Pokemon to his Poke Ball, her boyfriend walked up to her. "That was awesome, Wendy!"

"Thanks, Stan!" Wendy said. "Maybe... Maybe we can finally kiss now?"

"Alright then," Stan answered. And so, while their lips moved closer towards each other, other kids stared at the romantic moment. And finally, this time, Stan didn't throw up. Then, their lips touched each other and used their tongues, finally resulting in a normal, puke-free kiss!


End file.
